You Have a Beautiful Uterus

      We thought we were ready. Ready to start a family, ready to tackle any obstacle that shoved itself on our path. We had no idea, four years ago, that our experience would be much different than we imagined. We knew that getting pregnant might take some time, since we were both in our mid-thirties, but we were thinking in terms of months, not years.

      Over the past few years, I have had a surgery to remove fibroids and cysts, I’ve dabbled in vaginal steaming, went to regular acupuncture appointments, boiled herbs, took supplements, tried to change my diet, laid off the beer and wine, did a cleanse, took injections to make my body ovulate, underwent five ovulation inductions, two IUIs, and started seeing an infertility therapist with my partner. One of my reproductive endocrinologists, who happened to look like Jon Cryer, told me that my uterus was beautiful, over and over. His compliment did not comfort me. I underwent an MRI and was diagnosed with a benign tumor on my pituitary gland, which is gold for trying to get out of things you don’t want to do. “I’m sorry, I have a brain tumor. I need to stay home today.” Through it all, I graduated from one level to another of things I told myself in the past I would never do. I would never give myself an injection in my stomach. Done. I would never do a cleanse or eat sweet potatoes on a regular basis. Done. I would never subject myself to boiled herbs that smelled like a moth infested attic. Done. I would never do IVF. As of today, we are officially undergoing IVF.

      In the past, I’ve known people who went through IVF and I was convinced that I was too much of a wimp and that I could never handle such an intense process. Plus, IVF is insanely expensive and most insurance companies don’t cover it. Our insurance is one of those companies. After three years of struggling and countless negative pregnancy tests, we decided to try IVF. With savings, support from family and friends, and a hefty loan, we jumped in. We fumbled, but we jumped in.

      As a writer, I knew I wanted to document this experience, but I wasn’t sure how. I tried to write poetry but felt emotionally and creatively drained every time I sat down to write. I decided that I would write a blog instead, only to convince myself later that no one would want to read my story. No one wants to hear me complain, cry, or tell them about my latest estradiol levels, the number of follicles found in the ultrasound, or the ugly bruises on my stomach, compliments of the injections. Then, I told myself what I tell my students: Get your thoughts out there! Who cares if no one reads it, write for yourself. So, I am giving it a try. I am going to be vulnerable, hopefully entertaining, and document our experience with IVF.

      I’m 42 and my partner is 43. I’ve never been pregnant and I know that my eggs aren’t the freshest, but we have to try, right? We have to try.

      On Sunday, we start the first round of injections and I have no idea how my body will react. We have no idea how any of this will turn out and that is the scariest part. After all of this, we still may not get pregnant. What do we do then? To keep myself from digging into a hefty bowl of nachos and isolation, I am here. Thank you for joining me.

      18 comments

      1. God bless you both in your journey to become parents. I know it’s expensive but worth it. I’ve heard many success stories recently and I hope and pray yours is next. Love Always

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      2. You share your journey with such openness, vulnerability, and humility. Thank you for being brave. Thank you for sharing this with others. Life certainly knows how to throw some curve balls, and you are forging ahead with courage and love. Sending you love and support!!

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      3. This is brave and oh so beautiful. Thank you for practicing what you preach while potentially helping others and almost definitely helping yourself.♥️

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      6. You both are amazing people. I can see and feel the love in your posts and pictures. All I can offer you both is my unfailing support, prayers, and well wishes.

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        1. Janna, I am so grateful for your encouragement and support. Your words stick with me and I am comforted by them. This is a weird side note, but I was just thinking about your Care Bears costume that you and your sister wore in elementary school. 🙂 So cute!
          Love,
          Stef

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      7. Love this Stef!! And sending you all so much love! I have a similar story and can relate to so much of what you wrote. The enthusiasm of the oddly blunt RE who also loved my uterus. So much so he shouted it across the parking lot of the clinic on his way to lunch. Greg was in the
        parking lot with the dog and the enthused doctor couldn’t wait to blurt out the wonderful news, HIPPA be damned. I was still in the exam room, whipping away the gel from my transvaginal ultrasound. The same doctor who was surprised Greg still married me even knowing I was “barren”. The doctor’s words, not mine. And when I told the doctor I would using my cousin’s eggs. He responded with, “Now why would you do something like that. I rate all my egg donors based on SAT scores. You should use my donors.” Umm…needless to say we did not go with this doctor. And as you know this winding and brutiful journey ended up with Zoe and Quinn. Finally at age 42 I got pregnant with twin girls and the rest is herstory!! So big love to you and your hubby for a journey I know to well!

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        1. Beth,
          Thank you so much for sharing your story. Oh my word! I’m sorry that you had to deal with such a wacky doctor. He sounds like a real piece of work. RE does seem to attract some “interesting” individuals.
          Your story is a beautiful one!
          I hope your sweet girls are having a fantastic summer! Please give everyone my best.
          Love,
          Stef

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      8. Your story is amazing and meant to be heard. Thank you for sharing and for the perspective. I can’t even imagine what you both are going through but I am praying this works for you.

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      9. Maybe all who have beautiful uteruszzzz / uteri / goddesses of the uterus …. Are not lost, but rather full of life and strength and awaiting their day to shine. May you both be blessed on your path of life as you journey down another unknown path. 💕 D

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