It’s Monday night, I am sitting on my couch as my husband talks on the phone to a good friend. Actually, I am sitting here with a Zodiac inspired face mask (Thanks, Meghan and Abbie!), in my pajamas, and thinking about the update we got today from the doctor. The past three months have been full of waiting. Waiting to get results. Waiting to hear when our next test would be. Waiting for our doctor to get back from vacation. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.
Today, however, we found out that my uterus is going to be famous. Famous?!?!? Why does my humble, Polish and German uterus, deserve to be famous? Well, it won’t really be famous, but there will be a camera IN MY UTERUS in the next month or two. Basically, my uterus will have its own movie made about it and I am a little more excited than I probably should be.
I’ve been trying hard to stay in a positive light lately. Sometimes it’s easier for me to look on the bright side, and other times, it’s a struggle. Pretending that my uterus is a studio apartment, with scarves romantically placed over lamps, that is quietly but diligently getting ready to make a home for our embryo, helps me smile when I need to most. Don’t you pretend your uterus is a diorama? I imagine my modern uterus to have architectural highlights like vaulted ceilings, a spacious layout that consists of a large loft that overlooks the main floor, and a little reading nook for when one wants to relax.
This is all to say, I haven’t been able to write lately, especially here, about our path of trying to get to the embryo transfer stage. I took my first injection of hormones for IVF on June 27, 2021. The only reason I remember the date is because right after my husband gave me my shot, I ran to go meet my friend Abbie at an Indigo Girls concert. June 2022 is quickly approaching and it will be a pseudo-anniversary of our embarking on IVF. When we started, we had assumed, naively, that the entire process would be over in a few months. We had no idea we would still be trying to transfer our one embryo, almost 12 months later.
The point is, we have no answers, but we are further along on the metaphoric road, of possibly getting some answers. It has felt like we’ve been treading rough waters these past few months, but, there are positives, even when I don’t feel like admitting that there are. For instance, I am learning how to ask for help when I am in need of a hug or a laugh. I am learning to be comfortable, mostly uncomfortable, with having no clarity or answers. I am also becoming fluent in the entertaining field of pretend “uterus renovation and interior design.” The biggest positive though, besides how my partner and I have grown closer and have learned how to support each other during rough times, is that my chapbook, Home is a Sweater, was selected for publication and will be out next summer. It’s a collection of poems about home and infertility. So, that is something!
What’s in store next? Who knows. But, tune in later this week as I attempt to create a shabby chic, rustic farmhouse inspired, uterine cavity!
Stefanie Wielkopolan 