- Your bookshelf that once held poetry anthologies, novels, and non-fiction essays, are now consumed by books about fertility diets, infertility memoirs, and how to navigate IVF while staying somewhat sane.
- Music. You are an emotional mess some days, so you avoid any song by J.S. Ondara, Bob Seger, Brandi Carlile, Lord Huron, The Commonheart, First Aid Kit and The Head and the Heart.
- You break out into hives.
- You begin to sweat while blow drying your hair. (Thanks hormones!)
- You still get jealous and angsty in the egg aisle of the grocery store. So. Many. Eggs.
- When someone asks you why you’re leaving work early, what you really want to say is, “Well, I have to go get another transvaginal ultrasound because I waited to start a family when I was in my late thirties, and it feels impossible now. So, that’s why.”
- You can now say “transvaginal” without giggling.
- On your way to work, you stop to get coffee, but your favorite coffee shop is closed for some reason, so you cry.
- The sweet homeless man that you walk by daily, greets you, and then admits, “Well, I’m high as hell today! I’m talking to the geese.” You wish, maybe for more than a moment, that you could say the same.
- The container of chocolate covered graham crackers that your sweet friend gave you? Well, let’s just say you have to physically stop yourself from eating the entire bag in one sitting.
- Same goes for the bag of Better Maid potato chips on the shelf.
- Same goes for the bag of tortilla chips in the cupboard.
- You’re taking estrogen pills three times a day and you’re not really sure how you’re going to make it through the day without falling asleep, crying, or sweating profusely, or spontaneously collapsing while walking. Stairs? Ugh.
- The sweet medical assistant that takes your blood all the time? You know a lot of random details about her. Her dad coaches college football, her dad used to live in Michigan, nursing school is insanely difficult, veins can move when giving blood, and her in-laws throw huge parties that require lots of drinking during the holidays.
- Every show you watch has at least one character who is pregnant, one character with a new baby, or one character who is trying to become pregnant and it all looks glamourous. No one is ever bloated!
- You’ve learned how to give yourself shots.
- You realize you’re stronger than you originally thought.
- You begin to see that IVF is not a quick answer. In fact, you started the process almost a year ago and are still trying to transfer that one damn embryo.
- The phrase, “It only takes one good embryo,” while good intentioned, annoys the hell out of you, because you know most IVF success stories require multiple healthy embryos.
- You become cynical and admit to losing hope. You begin to think that you’re not meant to bring a kid into this insane world.
- You make a list of places you’d like to travel and things you’d like to study if the cycle doesn’t work. For instance, maybe you’ll take voice lessons, learn how to knit, and travel to the Pacific Northwest for extended periods of time.
- You rededicate yourself and brush off your attitude.
- You take all the supplements, all the prescriptions, at the prescribed time, every day, and you only complain a little.
- You begin to wonder if your chronic anxiety is actually just one long anxiety attack. Is that even possible?
- You know way more about your uterine lining than you ever thought possible. It’s almost too much!
Stefanie Wielkopolan 